LASON

Mabait si Tatay. Masipag magtrabaho, malambing kay Nanay, mahilig magpatawa, responsable, at hindi sumisigaw. Tuwing pinagagalitan kami ni Nanay dahil may ginawa kaming mali, bigla kami kukunin ni Tatay tapos sasabihin, “Ikaw naman, bata lang naman sila eh…” tapos kikilitiin kami ni Ate Jenny.

Apat kaming nagsisiksikan sa isang barung-barong sa may Kalookan. Si Nanay ang nagaalaga sa amin ni Ate Jenny habang si Tatay ay umaalis para magtrabaho. Karpintero si Tatay sa isang pagawaan sa may Pandacan. Araw-araw umaalis si Tatay matapos uminom ng dalawang baso ng kape at kumain ng tatlong pan de sal. Babalik siya madilim na, kakain ng sandali, tapos tatabihan na niya kami sa pagtulog. Minsan nagigising ako tapos maririnig ko boses nilang dalawa ni Nanay, parang umuungol pero wala naman silang sinasabi kaya natutulog na lang ulit ako.

Si Ate Jenny nag-aaral malapit sa may munisipyo. Ako sa susunod na taon pa raw sabi ni Nanay. Lagi niyang sinasabi sa’min na mag-aral kami ng maigi dahil para lang daw sa kinabukasan namin nagtatrabaho ng maigi ang Tatay. Mahirap ang trabaho ni Tatay: walang tigil ang pagpupukpok at paglalagari at pagyayari niya ng mga upuan at lamesa sa pagawaan. Minsan kapag nakakadelihensya si Nanay sa mga kamag-anak ay dadalhan namin si Tatay ng paborito niyang kutsinta pangmeryenda. Ako paborito ko yung pansit tsaka yung manok na binibili ni Nanay sa palengke tuwing pasko o kaya pag bertdey ng isa sa amin.

Isang gabi hindi ko na naabutan umuwi si Tatay. Antagal naming naghintay ni Ate Jenny sa ilalim ng kulambo kaso wala si Tatay kaya sabi ni Nanay matulog na kami. Nagising ako dis-oras na ng gabi, narinig ko umiiyak si Nanay tapos nagsasalita si Tatay. Pinaalis daw silang mga karpintero sa pagawaan dahil magsasara na daw ito. Inisip ko siguro sa sobrang sipag ng mga karpintero doon gaya ni Tatay at ayaw pa nila umalis kahit kailangan na magsara ng pagawaan ngayong gabi at pinababalik na lang sila bukas.

Mula noon madalas hindi na lumalayo sa bahay si Tatay para magtrabaho. Minsan ay nakikita ko siya gumagawa ng mga upuan at lamesa at iba pang gamit pambahay ng mga kapitbahay namin sa labas ng pintuan. Tinanong ko kung bakit hindi na siya sa pagawaan nagyayari – sabi niya wala na daw siyang trabaho doon. Nawala na daw, parang bula. Inisip ko siguro may dumating na engkantada at minadyik yung pagawaan para mawala, gaya ng nakita ko sa Wansapanataym sa TV ng kapitbahay naming sila Jomjom.

Hindi na rin kami kumakain ng madalas mula noon. Tipid daw sabi ni Tatay, kasi wala na raw kaming pera. Madalas ang kinakain namin kanin at ang ulam naming ay asin. Kapag may nagpapagawa ng gamit kay Tatay o may nagpapalaba kay Nanay, ang ulam naming sitaw o kaya repolyo sa toyo. Hindi na kami nagrereklamo ni Ate kahit kumakalam ang sikmura namin kasi kapag sinasabi namin kay Nanay na gutom pa kami ay umiiyak ito.

Di na rin pumapasok sa skwelahan si Ate Jenny. Binenta na naming yung mga libro at gamit sa skwela sa mamang bote-dyaryo para may pangkain kami noong isang gabi. Wala rin naman daw pambaon si Ate Jenny, sabi ni Nanay. Madalas ay nasa may kalsada kami ni ate, humihingi ng pera sa mga dumaraan. Kinakarga ako ni Ate Jenny kasi daw mas malaki ang binibigay ng mga naka-kotse pag may batang kasama. Minsan habang nanlilimos kami ay nakita namin ang Tatay na umiinom mula sa maliit na baso sa bahay nila Ka Ambo. Nagagalit ang Nanay tuwing nalalaman niyang naglalasing ang Tatay. Inisip ko kasi siguro yung paglalasing niya ang dahilan ng ibang amoy ng hininga niya tuwing natutulog siya sa tabi namin.

Minsan biglang umuwi si Tatay at tinawag kaming tatlo sa loob ng bahay. Matatapos na raw ang paghihirap namin, sabi niya. Hindi na raw namin kailangan humingi ng limos. Hindi na raw kami magugutom.

Pinakita niya sa amin ang isang bote. Gamot daw yon, sabi niya. Binigay daw sa kanya ng albularyo. Pag ininom daw namin ito, matatapos na ang lahat. Ayaw na daw niya kami nakikitang naghihirap. Biglang umiyak ang Tatay. Mahal na mahal daw niya kami, sabi niya. Lahat daw ginawa niya para mabigyan kami ng kinabukasan. Galit daw sa kanya ang Diyos at ang mundo, kaya kami naghihirap. Ayaw niya daw kami madamay sa paghihirap na dapat siya lang ang nakakadama. Konti na lang daw, tapos magiging masaya na tayong lahat.

Naunang pinainom si Ate Jenny, tapos ako, tapos silang dalawa ni Nanay. Medyo mapait ang gamot, tapos mainit sa lalamunan. Ganoon daw yon, sabi ni Tatay. Inakap nya kaming lahat at humiga kami sa papag. Tulog na tayo, sabi niya. tanghali pa lang noon pero matapos uminom ng gamot ay bigla akong nahilo, parang naging malabo ang paningin ko at umikot ang mundo ko. Sabi ni Ate Jenny dumidilim daw ang paningin niya at masakit na masakit daw ang tiyan nya. Maya’t-maya ay naramdaman ko na rin ito. Niyakap kaming dalawa nina Nanay at Tatay habang umiiyak. Patawad daw, sabi ni Tatay. Patawad daw at mahal niya daw kami. Mahal na mahal. Nahihirapan ako huminga.

Humawak ako sa braso ng Tatay, tinitiis ang panandaliang sakit. Konti na lang, sabi ko sa sarili ko, konti na lang at hindi na ako magugutom. Ito ang sinabi ko sa sarili ko bago mawala ang aking gutom kasama ng aking buong kamalayan.


*Pasintabi kay Conrado de Quiros at sa pamilyang Cabini

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HAIL MARY

THE LONG WALK
Here's the deal: it's 7am, and I need to get some medical forms from PhilHealth so that I wouldn't have to pay for humongous hospital bills by the time my sister gives birth to my niece, and you have to wait for two hours until Megamall opens for you to get those frames you ordered. So come with me to PhilHealth while I get those stuff and I'll accompany you for the remaining hours until Megamall opens. That way we escape hours of boredom and we have a nice excuse why we just wanted to spend time with each other, even if we just met two days ago.

Going to the health office was not a problem; the cab driver was all to glad to take us to a place where there's no traffic going there, and was even more glad that we overpaid him by 20 pesos. And in an hour's time I was done with my paperwork. So where do we spend the next hour while we wait until Megamall opens?

Going to the health office was one thing: going to Megamall from the health office was another thing. Some gigantic delivery truck made a wrong turn and is now stuck, blocking more than half of the avenue. Cab drivers aren't going to take us anywhere and all jeepneys are taking a u-turn or are too cramped anyway. I forgot who suggested that we walk all the way to Megamall, but that was how we killed the next hour, by walking a few kilometers to Megamall. Not bad for a first date.


THE BUS
So we boarded the green G-Liner from Ortigas on the way to UST. Luckily the bus wasn’t crowded so we found ourselves two comfortable seats without leaving each other’s company. We just got off our night shift call center work and we were up all night so no one can blame us if we didn’t look as fresh as everybody on board that morning. After paying for the tickets I asked if you were alright. In your angelic voice you said you were, even if your eyes screamed sleep underneath your mascara. I never liked girls with mascara, but yours seemed alright. I told you to lean back and rest for a while, since the traffic isn’t gonna bring us to school soon. With your eyes closed you said yes to whatever I was saying, and four seconds later your breathing became heavy. Just maybe two notches below the snoring level. I put my arm around you to help you lay back on the seat. You responded by snuggling up and putting your head on my shoulder. Your head fit perfectly on it so I didn’t mind. I tried to look for a curtain to shield your eyes from the sunlight from the window found none. It was then I noticed how wonderful the effect was when the light touches your face. When streaks of yellow pass by your cheeks and your hair gets a shade of gold. I cannot remember whether there was music in the bus or if the cars in the traffic were honking or whether the teenagers behind us were laughing or crying. In that moment, everything was replaced by silence.


AT THE PARK
When you said that you wanted to go somewhere to drink after work, I didn’t expect you’d take me all the way to Antipolo. Moreover, after getting off the FX in Antipolo and asking directions for a drinking place from a tricycle driver, I didn’t imagine he’d take us to Hinulugang Taktak. Legend tells us about a pretty lass finding her beloved with another girl here, by the waterfalls, and all hell broke loose. The fact that before I started seeing you the girl I was with lived nearby made us both a little paranoid. It was there by the bridge when you said that you now understood why she (the girl I used to be with) didn’t want me to see other girls even if she was committed to somebody else already. It was then when you told me that you realized why she didn’t eat her lunch and just wrecked the styro of her chickenjoy after seeing us eat lunch together. And it was there where you said that you’re just thankful that you’ve found someone like me. We both realized that we were on the verge of getting over past experiences, and starting fresh together was something we’ve thanked God for. So we celebrated our togetherness that morning. By the bridge under the morning sun I first held you in my arms, and it was the waterfalls where we danced and I swept you off your feet – literally. We just danced by the waterfalls and laughed at what we were doing. We feasted upon alcohol and we hugged and cried and danced and laughed together all over the place. And just as we were about to leave, I saw a wrecked chickenjoy styro by the dumpster.


THE POOL
Okay, so I barely know how to swim. I never made one straight lap in my whole life. And you just had to show everyone that you took formal swimming lessons in Brunei or in Mindanao or in another one of those Muslim places you’ve been to, as you’ve been to a lot of them. Later as we leaned on the side of the pool you told me that you’ve been through a lot and that you just wanted all your troubles to go away. And you tried to do it, there and then. For twelve seconds at least you tried to make them go away. Then you surfaced, panting, gasping for air. That was the closest thing that I’ve seen you try to take your life away. And your troubles with you. I was caught up between two things that I wanted to do with you: either laugh at what you did until the sun sets or hit the back of your head with a water bottle first then laugh at what you did until the sun sets. But instead I just hugged you. I just hugged you and told you that shit happens, but everything will be alright. I just told you that you’re gonna get through it, and I’m not leaving you no matter what. I just told you that whether we end up together or not, I’m gonna stick by your side. And I just hugged you until the sun set.


OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
Telling me after you got off the phone with your mom that your ex waited for you several hours earlier at home on our first overnight at your friend’s place wasn’t encouraging at all. So during the time that we were waiting for the pizza delivery guy to come I decided to read a newspaper and leave you to entertain either the wall or the pretty vase from Middle East. When Aiza asked what else I ordered besides bacon cheeseburger, I said Hawaiian. When you asked me if I was angry, I looked at Ricky Lo’s picture. Then you pulled me away from the article about Bea Alonzo and took me to the porch outside. So this is how Cavite is on a weekend night, I said to myself. No tambays by the sari sari store, no one driving around with loudspeakers playing hiphop music, no kids cursing the hell out of each other over who’s taya. You opened the gate outside to see if anybody was walking around and it was then I told you that it was ok; that I was just playing. And you responded by giving me a kiss – a smack first, then you just let your lips stick to mine, then slowly sucked my tongue and let it play with yours. Just when I was getting the hang of it you suddenly pulled yourself away from me and said, “Now this is definitely going somewhere…”

TOWARDS NORTH

Forget all the news about politics and the songs
of celebrities. Tonight the bus roars the sound
of a hard day’s work completed; the sigh of the worker
homeward bound. Northbound along EDSA the eyes
of the city have three colors – green, red and yellow.

Parang usok matapos humithit ng yosi nakita ko lumutang
palabas ng bintana ang mga katagang isinambulat ng mama
sa tapat: Sa Ngalan ng Ama, ng Anak at ng Espiritu Santo.
Aabot kaya sa langit ang dasal ni manong? Walang
signal ang cellphone sa Ayala Tunnel.

Tell me how prayers reach Heaven, because Mary, your name
was a prayer I used whisper before I slept, your voice
an infant’s good morning coo on a bright sunny morning. I miss
the mornings just as I miss your voice. Coming up to Buendia the stars
are so far and a blank look is what I see on the moon’s round face.

Dagisdis papasok sa bintana ng bus ang nagdala sa’yo
sa aking isip. Paakyat sa Guadalupe nakita ko ang templo
ng iyong mga alapaap, at sapul sa aking guni-guni nung sabihin mo
na huwag kitang iiwan. Ngayo’y isa akong bagamundong
estranghero at ika’y bitbit ng lawin na dumaglit sa iyo sa akin.

Did you know, Mary, that at night, the air smells like
freshly-made cocoa when you pass by Boni? Such a shame
that you don’t. You can hear the Ricoa Factory growl even with all this
roaring the bus engines do. But I guess you’d rather sleep on his passenger seat than on my shoulder while riding a bus towards north.

TULA PARA KAY TONI GONZAGA

Kung minsa’y nasusulyapan ko siya:

Sa loob ng kahong itim, isang liwanag

na sumisinag sa loob ng tahanan

ng mga dwende’t dambuhala. Hiphop na

pananalita ang lumalabas

mula sa labing mabulaklak,

at boses na ‘sing lalim ng balon - parang alon

na umuugong mula sa loob ng kabibe

sa may dalampasigan, tunog na umaalingawngaw

mula sa kabundukan: malakas, nangingibabaw.

Isang gabi sa ilalim ng makulay na usok at putukan

ay nakita ko siya, nakatayo, nanonood,

minamasdan ang kalbong barakong humihiyaw sa

entablado. Sa kasiyahan ng mamamayan

siya ang tala; si Toni Gonzaga ang makulay na rosas

at ako ay isang bubuyog lamang, na gaya ng iba

ay nangangarap ring dumapo at makatikim

ng kanyang matamis na bulaklak.

Ilan na nga ba silang humalik sa labi mo, tumitig

sa iyong mga mata, ang iyong mga mata

na bulalakaw at ang mundo ay isa lamang maliit na bola

ng enerhiya, isang kometang naliligaw

sa gitna ng kalawakan, at ako ang batang naghahanap ng holen

na ilalaro sa palaruan ng kalawakan. Ako ang musmos

na estudyante na nagnanais na tumanda agad

upang mapangasawa ikaw,

ang guro kong maganda at mapagmahal. Turuan mo ako

kung paano humubog ng pigurin gaya ng porselana mong

mga balikat, hayaan mong umikot ang aking mundo

sa iyong kutis na ‘singliwanag ng araw, at pagbuhulin natin

ang ating mga dila na parang laso na nakatali sa mansanas

na alay ko sa’yo bilang bunga ng aking pag-ibig sa’yo.