PARANOIA

*ORIGINALLY WRITTEN LAST NOV. 29, 2006)


This is probably one of my most paranoid days of my life ever.

Earlier today I looked back at my life and started thinking of what happened from the time I graduated high school, thru my college and working life, etc. it’s funny coz I was in my room talking to myself, as in literally talking to myself. Nagsasalita ako ng mag-isa. Walang kausap. And though talking to myself isn’t an uncommon thing (I do it at least once a day), I usually make sure that I talk with no words coming out of my mouth. Meaning I spell out the words with my mouth without making any sound, that way I can get the feel of having a conversation. OR if I do make sounds it’s not something you will hear if you’re outside the room.

But today I talked with my regular voice. With my normal conversational voice. I chatted with myself.

I’m wondering now if this is one step towards insanity. Or at least schizophrenia.

But that’s not all. I talked to myself about how I did, basically as a person in all aspects. How I tried to be the omni-student; the all around, all powerful, all knowing student in UST. How I really reacted to the financial crisis the family faced. How it really went when I didn’t go to class everyday and lost interest. How I started looking for ways to survive. I spoke about facts. Of not what I thought but what I did. And how it all resulted into what I am now.

And then, later in the afternoon, after eating lunch with a really depressed heart because of, well, “testing my conscience”, as the Catholic Doctrine would define it, I slept. And I woke up late, and I almost became late for work. I was forced to take a cab, despite of my P70 budget for the whole week, and because I was in a hurry I left my ID at home.

Paranoia #2 struck again. What if I was late? Would I get fired? What if the HR and the guards caught me walking around the office without an ID? Would I get fired? And since I spent P50 in cab, how the heck am I going to survive the next week with P20?

To get by with an empty stomach, I drank 3 cups of coffee (or more, I think) coz coffee beans and the wheat from the creamer is a good substitute, though coffee always made me feel puking. I wasn’t late, but the guards DID catch me without an ID. I had to go on cahoots with my other officemates to pretend that I just left my ID in the training room.

Now the day has ended. I’m now home. But still something is bothering me. It could be the caffeine from the coffee, though before that I must have eaten 6 mini bars of KitKat and a whole bar of KitKat whit, which should increase that happy hormone thing, but something is bugging me.

And I don’t know what.

I wish a dwende would just bite me now for inspiration to write. Not just this post but a short story.